This story is written by Les Lea
With Julie back in mum’s good books I was hoping that we could return to how things were. I know that she had embarrassed and humiliated me on occasions but, and perhaps this is the strange thing, once that initial reaction was over, I actually liked being her baby brother. I’m sure mum wouldn’t have allowed things to spiral out of control (she was keeping a much more detailed eye on both of us) but I was hoping for the reappearance of my fleecy PJs and some of the other stuff she used to dress me in.
Unfortunately, the sad thing for me was that my darling, humiliating, bossy and clever sister appeared to have lost the need to dress me up or find a demeaning situation where I would be shamed. Even at bed time she didn’t supervise my PJs, mostly mum came in to settle me down so we didn’t have the fun we used to. I was really missing being dressed for sleep in a nappy and onesie but it never occurred to mum that I might prefer that.
Julie’s ‘creativity’ and energy were both now directed into helping mum and proving herself both at home and at school where I think she had acquired a boyfriend. Although she didn’t completely neglect me – when she did read me a story, or make one up, sadly we no longer had that intimacy. Despite all that had been done to me over the years I was always made to feel special, different, loved and Julie’s most favourite toy – now I suddenly felt very ‘un-special’ indeed.
She spent more time with mum and the two of them would discuss and plan campaigns together. Even though she was only just a teenager mum reckoned that her daughter was way better and more creative than half her staff. As she did when given free reign over me, she blossomed with the responsibility. Channelling her ingenuity away from me and into her new ‘love’ advertising saw a new respect form between the two. Meanwhile, I was more often than not left to my own devises and spent a lot of time in my room on my piano creating some tunes or simply dreaming of dressing up and pretending.
To try and claw back some of those ‘special’ feelings I sneakily began to bring all the things I liked from Julie’s room and the stuff stored in the attic, back to my own. Onesies, nappies, disposables, pull-ups, plastic pants, rubber pants, anything and everything (including some of her clothes from when she was younger) eventually found its way back under my bed, into my ‘secret’ draws or hidden in the closet.
Sometimes I’d sit at the piano wearing one of Julie’s old dresses with a thick nappy and only change when I was called to eat. Then I’d slip out of the dress and, depending on how huge the nappy was, attempt to pull them over my shorts. If mum noticed she never said anything and if Julie noticed I guess she thought she was just keeping my secret.
The only time I thought I could dress up without upsetting mum was when Simon came to play. I think his mum had decided that I was a bigger girl than her son and therefore not a bad influence. Little did she know that as soon as she drove off we swapped clothes and he played at being a boy, whilst I played at being… him. Not every time. Sometimes we’d both be boys and he’d just wear some of my clothes but I did like to try his stuff on because it was different and I thought his mum actually dressed him prettily.
He was never happy if I wanted us both to wear nappies because he said his mother made him wear them to sleep in. He said he never wet the bed but she insisted and supervised his night time routine to make sure he wore them. She’d check every morning as well, so he’d given up trying to wriggle out of them during the night as it got her mad and he was made to wear something far worse (his words) for the rest of the day. He was trying to find the least embarrassing clothes and discovered that if he didn’t fight her too much he could avoid the dresses even if the rest of his outfits were fairly ‘girly’.
Mrs McKay only ever invited me once to go over to play at their place but mum was none too keen and made it so that I was doing something else on that occasion. I would have loved to see Simon in his own environment but I don’t think he really wanted me there as he much preferred to express himself at my house.
At school Miss Simms was encouraging me to get more involved with the choir and was happy to teach me piano. I didn’t even mind singing solos now and, since my 8th birthday party, had become quite a popular boy. In the playground I chased around after the ball but I was hopeless at sport, never really acquiring the skills to tackle or win the thing. If another boy ran towards me my immediate reaction was to stop and cower, which wasn’t the correct response. However, like Julie, I was doing quite well in class and was receiving good reports to show mum so she was under the impression all was well.
Late one Saturday night I was getting ready for bed. Mum was downstairs and Julie was staying at her friends. I thought this was an ideal time to use some of the things I’d stashed in my room. Alas, mum discovered me crying my eyes out. I’d managed to fit into my nappy and plastic pants easily enough but I must have grown because I couldn’t get the onesie to fit. I was frustrated at trying to get the snap fasteners to work but there just wasn’t enough material for both ends to meet. For some reason this upset me more than it should and I think it was my sobbing that had alerted mum to a problem.
She could see I was in distress “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I can’t get it to fit.” I bawled through heavy tears.
“Is that what you want to do, wear your onesie again?” I nodded. “I thought you had stopped all that.” She said stroking my hair out of my eyes and dabbing at my tears.
“But I like them.”
“Perhaps if you take off the protection you’ll be able to get it to fit.”
“But I like that as well.” I whined. “I liked all that… it made me feel special…” I sobbed heavily. “It’s not fair, why did thing have to change?” I heaved another huge cry.
“Oh sweetheart, you’re growing up and all that’s for babies. You’re not a little toddler anymore,” she tried to find some soothing words. “You’re eight and a very talented young man.”
Unfortunately, being a talented young man didn’t help and I just pushed my head into her bosom and cried, “But I don’t want to grow up.”
She must have seen the dummy in amongst all the stuff I had got out to try on. She reached down, picked it up, saw how miserable I was and just slipped it into my mouth as if it was the most natural thing to do. I didn’t think twice and immediately sought its soothing qualities by sucking passionately. Resting in my mother’s arms, being gently rocked I was soon happily drifting off to sleep.
The following morning I woke up with the dummy half in and half hanging out of my mouth, the onesie had ridden up my body and I could feel that my nappy was soaked. I hadn’t wet for some time so this was a shock and gave me an uneasy feeling. Would mum be mad because I’d reverted to being a big baby, which she obviously thought I should be over by now, and would I be punished? I didn’t like that idea so climbed out of bed, relieved that the sheets were dry, and waddled to the bathroom.
Regardless of the soggy, damp, cold and uncomfortable nappy I was pleased to get back to some of the feelings I used to have when Julie checked me in the mornings. I’d had a completely restful night’s sleep but the result was a wet nappy and perhaps oddly, I didn’t mind the trade-off. I could hear that mum was up and pottering around probably getting breakfast ready so, I shrugged off all my wet sleepwear and got in the shower. As usual, I used far too much shampoo and was inundated with bubbles so I made games with them as the trickled in batches down my body.
Mum must have been calling me for breakfast but I didn’t hear her because of the sound from the shower when she appeared in the doorway.
“C’mon sweetheart, get dried and dressed we’ve got a busy day ahead of us.”
As I peeked round the shower door I saw her pick up my soaked nappy, look back at me and gave a sort of resigned smile. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad sign but as she’d told me to hurry up I thought I’d better not mess around for much longer. I rinsed the bubbles from my hair, dried off and went back to my room to get dressed. Mum was sat on the edge of my bed waiting.
Flashing through my mind were images of the time when Julie had spanked me for not doing as I was told and the guilt I suddenly felt made me shiver.
“Come and sit here love,” she said patting the bed to her side.
She looked serious but not angry so, pulling the towel tighter, I nervously walked over and sat down.
She looked me in the eyes. “You are my precious little boy.” I felt relieved as she put her arm around my shoulder. “I don’t like to see either of my babies unhappy… but you seem like you are.”
Inside I was saying ‘Yes, yes I am’ but I looked down at the carpet and let mum continue.
“By rights, you should be over wanting to wear nappies and,” she indicated all the baby clothes that I had around the room, “all this type of thing.”
I began to worry that she was about to take everything away and I experienced an uncomfortable feeling welling up inside me.
“Most boys your age want to be… well… want to be … older.” She nodded to herself as if she’d found the correct words. “Some are in no rush to grow up… and some… perhaps like you… are worried about growing up.”
Tears were forming in my eyes as I expected the worst.
“Danni,” she hugged me close, “you’ve never really had a strong male influence in your life. I never thought you needed one as long as your sister and I guided you and answered any questions or helped solve any prob…”
She must have felt my body through the towel begin to heave with the sobs that were catching in my tummy, chest and mouth. I didn’t know what to do or what to feel I just know I felt dreadful and in my case, tears were the usual expression.
“Oh sweetheart. I’m not angry or anything like that. I want nothing but for you to be happy and if you like to dress up… well that’s fine by me.” She was hugging me real tightly. “Oh baby, I love you… and if that is how you like to express who you feel you are… I’m certainly not going to stop you.”
I howled my relief.
“I’m not Simon’s mother.” She got in that particular dig. “I don’t want to make you do… or be anything that you don’t want to. Both your sister and I are on your side. We’ve talked about it and… well… if that’s how you feel happiest.”
I let the towel drop from my shoulders and hugged mum as hard as I could. I wasn’t totally sure what all this would mean but it sounded like I could still play dress up and wear my nappy… at least that’s what I hoped it meant.
We sat hugging for a few more minutes before she told me to get dressed and come down for breakfast.
“What should I wear?” I asked.
“Well, it’s cooler out than it has been so… I suggest you wrap up warm but… it’s up to you.” She smiled and left me to it.
I looked out of the window and mum was right, it was cloudy and the wind was blowing so it was jeans, jumper but underneath was a pair of pull-ups. Even they were fitting me very tightly these days but, princess or no princess I was reluctant to give them up.
We went shopping and mum bought me new pull-ups and plastic pants that she said should last a while as I grew into them. She told me that they were mainly to be used for bed but, if I wanted to wear them any other time I could. When we returned home Julie had a surprise for me. The fleecy PJs had been altered slightly and were a lot bigger so I would grow into them as well. Julie suggested that to make them nice and snug I should wear a very thick nappy, which she offered to supervise the next time I wanted to wear it.
I was very happy. I liked being a boy but at times I liked being a girl. Some nights though I just wanted to be a baby; I wanted stuffed toys, stories, plastic pants and onesies. Not every night of course but when I sought the comfort that all those things offered I’d rush up stairs and couldn’t wait to go to sleep in my own pleasure cocoon.
This story is written by Les Lea
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